A Poet & A Party Girl

Ugly Duckling or Beautiful Swan?

I am at the loudest bagel shop in the world. Even noise cancellation can’t save me now. And I keep thinking that everyone in here is yelling my name!!!! They’re not but that would be crazy, like…. So y’all are familiar with my Substack 🤩🤩🤩🤩

For the first time since I’ve been in New York I am out and about before 11am. Because I went to bed at 8:30pm last night because I was (say it with me) EXPERIENCING ENNUI!

I’ve been in NY now for five weeks, running around, staying out late, spending a million dollars on food and margaritas and tickets to things. I’m out of a routine, it’s both exciting and unnerving, and I’m already feeling nostalgic for the beginning of this trip.

I freaked out a bit when I felt some familiar sadness, anxiety, and fear come up this week. I was out at a bar and I started to feel like an ugly duckling, sensitive and alone. I had this intense, almost desperate feeling like I don’t want to be sad again.

My therapist, who has been my therapist for the last 10 months, and who I’ve been paying $40 a session, is moving to another therapy office and the new office just informed me that the new rate is (say it with me y’all) TWO-HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS and they (let’s gooo) DON’T TAKE MY INSURANCE!

Mind you, this is the therapist whose wisdom got me through a period of the most emotional pain and acute distress I have ever felt in my life. Last Sunday, Leah and I were sitting in Prospect Park and I likened that part of my life to being caught in a bear trap, and the only way out was to gnaw off my own arm. I was trapped, and to get free I had to cannibalize parts of myself that I was very, very attached to.

Now I’m out of the bear trap. I have a stump for an arm, but I’m out of the bear trap.

In our last session on Tuesday, my therapist said “You’re a poet and a party girl. You need to let both co-exist.”

Totalllyyyyyyyy.

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Survivor Poem
If I were on Survivor
I would lie, steal, cheat, and kill
Unless I felt anxious that day
I would lounge, swim, eat mangoes
Flirt with Jeff, never take off my shirt
I don’t like bugs or being uncomfortable
Coconut water or Republicans
And there’s always a Republican
I hope someone on my tribe is hot
I read they give you sunscreen and condoms
If I won a food reward I’d just say no thanks
I’m trying to get, like, really skinny

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I came to this bagel shop to work and to write because of course Chapter Three of my ongoing mystery series is due today for my dedicated readers!! It’s on the way don’t worry! Also, I’m covering for my co-worker this week so I’ve been really busy with work, but I still found time to lace my new shoes with ribbon.

They’re sneakers with ruffles, y’all. SNEAKERS WITH RUFFLES 📣📣📣

Don’t feel like it should be allowed to rain while I’m on my period, it’s just a bit MUCH. (Wait, am I just sad because I’m on my period? LOL. Just now connecting those dots……) But it is Friday, TGIF as they say, and I’m not an ugly duckling, I’m a beautiful swan, a poet and a party girl, I own sneakers with ruffles, my toes are painted Tiffany blue, and I have known both love and loss and lived to tell the tale!!!

🦢🦢🦢🦢🦢🦢🦢🦢🦢🦢🦢🦢

Like and comment “Bunny is a riderrrrr” if you made it this far or if you’re a beautiful swan or if bunny is, indeed, a rider.

See you next week xx

m.j.